FilmSnobReviews

Title: Snake Eyes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Director: Robert Schwentke
Starring: Henry Golding, Andrew Koji, Haruka Abe
Runtime: 2 hrs 1 min

What It Is: We get the origins of Snake Eyes (Golding) from the G.I. Joe series. In this, a loner named Snake Eyes accidentally saves the life of a member of an ancient Japanese clan called the Arashikage. As payment, they let him into their very private compound. It is here he will be taught the way of the ninja. There are threats to the Arashikage though that might push Snake Eyes and his counterparts Tommy (Koji) and Akiko (Abe).

What We Think: Oh man. What a mess. Not only is this a horrifically directed action film it’s a bad movie. The script and structure are a mess. As a vehicle for star Henry Golding, this works. The dude just looks the part. When you’re in a film like this you hope among hope that there won’t be Taken 3-seque cuts in the action. We get exactly that. The rising and falling action fail to rise and free fall. Doing both aimlessly and with no regard to the intelligence level of the audience. People being talked down to is one of the biggest things I dislike. So for me, that just ticked me off.

Our Grade: D+, What a pile of crap. This film is a massive skip for me. There’s no reason to watch this thing. Unless you’re like the biggest fan of Henry Golding that exists on the planet. Robert Schwentke has a dubious at best reputation. This is the argument for why he isn’t allowed nice things. HASBRO probably doesn’t care at all about any of this crap and is more than happy to shill this out for the sake of selling toys. I mean look no further than the Transformers franchise. This is that. Except this had expectations it could’ve been good.